Dear First Love,
Darling, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. Guys can be such jerks at times for no reason. I really believe it’s just programmed in their DNA. I’m not going to sugarcoat this for you, dear, even though I wish I could. Getting over your first love is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do. However, there is good news. It may not feel like it now, but the lessons you learn from this heartbreak and relationship will help you immensely in the future—and most importantly, this heartbreak will bring you one step closer to finding your next great(er) love.
I won’t get too far ahead of myself since all these promises of moving on and finding the next boy won’t help you now. Trust me, I know. My mother and I have an excellent relationship, but she’s always been indelicate when it comes to dealing with broken hearts. No matter how devastated I’d be or how much she might have claimed to like my ex-boyfriend, she’d always say, “forget him and find someone new. He’s not worth your tears.” While it’s good advice, when you’re the one in pain it’s the last thing you want to hear.
You can’t just get over someone right away. No matter how much you want to or try. Falling in love may feel like it happens overnight, but healing a broken heart takes time. And not a set time frame either. Think of heartbreak like a serious injury. Although you can’t cure it right away, there are steps you can take to bring you closer to recovery. The first step you need to take is to allow yourself to feel the pain. I don’t know how recent this break up was, but if it was recent as in the last 3 months, then ask yourself have I given myself time to grieve?
Don’t let anyone tell you that he isn’t worth your tears or you should be out looking for the next guy instead of at home crying. Yes, it’s 100% true that he isn’t worth your tears. This asshole that broke your heart isn’t even worth your spit, but that’s not why you’re crying. You shouldn’t cry over him. But it’s okay to cry over the loss of what once was a beautiful relationship. The loss of a relationship is like a death. It’s never coming back, so it’s healthy and normal to mourn even if you secretly (or not so secretly) hate your ex’s guts. Instead, you can grieve over the loss of your first love, the illusion of forever, and the magic that is the beginning of a relationship. You can grieve over the loss of innocence, the loss of childhood—even if you want to go back to thinking boys smell and have cooties, you can’t really do so after your first heartbreak.
I’m not saying that you should grieve forever, but if you haven’t done so, then give yourself a couple of nights to stay home and live in your pajamas, eat junk food, binge watch tv or listen to some sad music. It may not seem constructive but letting out all the pain over your loss of expectations, which is what happens during heartbreak, is essential to the recovery process. After that you need to focus on yourself. The one good thing about a break up is that it gives you plenty of time to focus on the most important person in your life: you.
Following your first heartbreak, you will change as a person. You can’t avoid it, but what you can do is make sure that you change for the better. Boys are not programmed the same way that we are. They don’t know how to connect with their emotional side. They’re taught to avoid being emotional. Even if they are one of the rare enlightened ones that are willing to connect with you on a deeper level, as soon as they are with their friends (regardless of age because grown men are like this too) they revert into ten-year-old boys. I don’t know why this boy is choosing to hurt you further by being cruel toward you, but all I can say is that it probably has more to do with his friends and trying to impress them than purposely hurting you. The best thing you can do is ignore him and his friends because getting a negative reaction out of you is exactly why he’s doing it. If you don’t react and pretend you’re over him and his pettiness, then he’ll have no choice but to stop.
However, if you can’t ignore him and need him to stop ASAP or ignoring him isn’t working, then you’re only other option is to try to talk to him. I must warn you that this is a dangerous step and can do you more harm than good if you don’t take the proper precautions. You have to make sure that you meet in person, alone, and somewhere that you won’t be interrupted. Try to be far away from school, his friends, your friends, and anywhere some of your friends or schoolmates will run into you and make the conversation more awkward then it already is. When you speak to him, make sure that you’re serious, that you don’t cry, and speak calmly. Without being accusatory (this is the most important step), ask him why he’s being such a jerk? Be honest and tell him that he already hurt you enough by ending the relationship and you don’t deserve to be treated like this. Tell him that if he can’t treat you with respect you want him to forget that you exist and that if he ever had any respect for you or their relationship, he should just let you be and stay out of your life. After all, you’re not a couple anymore, so what you do shouldn’t concern him and vice versa. If he is even the least bit rational, this direct but calm approach should work. Just make that you don’t throw a tantrum, get over emotional, or raise your voice. I’ve learned that guys have a block in their brains and as soon as you do any of those things, they will stop listening and shut down completely. The whole conversation will be pointless and you’ll just feel worse. I hope that it doesn’t come to this and you’re able to speak with him rationally, but I’m warning you just in case.
After you either talk to him or learn to ignore him, the next step to getting over your heartbreak is to start letting your relationship go. This is probably the hardest step because you may still miss him and the idea of your relationship, but in order to move on faster you need to remove him from your mind and life as much as possible. First, pack up a box with everything he’s ever gifted you or reminds you of him (pictures, stuffed animals, movies, clothing, etc.) You don’t have to throw the box away but hide it somewhere you won’t go looking for it: the attic, basement, or a friend’s house. Next, and this probably going to be the hardest step of all defriend him from facebook, twitter, tumblr, and another social media where you can spy on him and in turn feel badly about yourself. It doesn’t have to be forever, but if you don’t complete this step, you’re likely to fall in a negative and hurtful trap of spying on him online. You’ll see what he’s up to, who he talks to, and trust me, it’ll be devastating when you catch him flirting with other girls. You won’t learn anything good by snooping around his social media. It’s better to pretend that he doesn’t exist in your social network until you’re over him. If you don’t follow this step, you will continue to open up old wounds and never get over your heartbreak. Or at least make the process at longer and more painful than it needs to be. The same goes with texting, skype, emails, imessage, msn, and other form of communication. Since he’s being such a jerk, I doubt that you’ll want to talk to him anyway but this needed to be said..
I think I’ve rambled for long enough and you’re probably sick of me, so the last thing I want to say is that after you’ve settled things with him and removed him from your life (as much as you can), you need to keep busy. If you feel ready, then start flirting with some new guys, maybe go to the mall with some friends or somewhere you can meet new people not in your group of friends. Even if you aren’t ready to start a new relationship, it always feels good to be wanted. But if the idea of meeting other boys doesn’t appeal to you, then that’s okay too. There is no set time to get over someone. Instead of flirting with boys, focus on yourself and your interests. Perhaps join a new club or start a new hobby. Start a new fitness routine or plan weekly girl nights with your friends. Just try something new and positive. It’s important that you don’t pick up negative habits like hiding your pain in tequila and cigarettes in this process. They might seem like solutions, but in the long run it’ll only lead to more pain.
Most importantly, just rely on your girlfriends to get you through this. I can tell you that I’ve had a lot of broken hearts and several guys I thought were the one and turned out to be assholes, but the one constant in my life has always been my girlfriends. A few of them have been there since we were children and I’ve learned that these relationships are more important and influential in my life then some boy whose name I won’t remember in a few years. Just keep that in mind, especially because we all tend to take our friends for granted when we’re in a serious relationship. I wish you the best and feel free to contact me if you ever need to speak or vent again.
♥ The Heartbreak Girl
Thank you! I like yours too. = D
- must be following heavenssinyoureyes
- two solos
- the rest in a list
- go go go!
- sorry had to make another cause people weren’t following the rules (smh)
Pain attacks everyone differently. Some people’s pain is highly visible: they cry, scream, shout, or wear a devastating forlorn look on their face. Then there are the others that hide behind a smile, an infectious laugh, overcompensating with kindness. Those people believe that if they pretend they are happy, eventually they will be.
But what about the others? The ones whose emotions have become so fucked up and twisted, who have been hurt so many times or so deeply, that emotional and physical pain just ceases all together? They’re numb, completely detached from this world. Broken and forgotten. Who looks out for them?